[ .to the end. ]

cherished

2009-01-13T01:04:00.004-06:00

it's been 3 years almost to the minute since i found out. and my heart has not stopped hurting. i miss you so much. i wish you didn't have to leave us so soon. you were too young to go. i wanted to do so much more with you. i never got to visit you in florida. i never called you one last time to say i love you. i hope you know that i love you so much. you were like another father to me. i still think about you all the time. i buy pic nics often, and when i smell popcorn cooking sometimes i can't help but cry a little. i think often of the good times i had with you. but my heart still aches knowing you are gone. i am sorry i did not make more of an effort to talk to you and know you more. i regret that every single day. promise me on my wedding day you will be watching. i wanted you to walk me down the aisle with dad to give me away. i never told you that. but i did.

i love you so much.
i pray you are in peace.

1939-2006

2008-12-30T17:28:00.001-06:00

god i hope it's not.

patience

2008-12-16T22:26:00.001-06:00

i am a waitress.

not a babysitter.
not a parking lot attendant.
and sure and hell not your mother.

wino

2008-11-11T23:04:00.001-06:00

i love red wine.

i had a good line to write earlier. i forgot it.

i love you, steve

stranded

2008-11-05T20:36:00.002-06:00

what more does she want from me. she would leave me stranded and not help me because i don't pay rent and help her. so apparently i understand when i'm older why she left me in the middle of randall instead of bringing me a gas can for my car.

bitch

2008-10-31T14:23:00.001-05:00

no matter what i do it will never be good enough

band practice

2008-10-14T23:38:00.002-05:00

so i went to steve's band practice tonight. i love to watch him play. it's been a while since i've gone, and i think i forgot how much i really enjoy to watch him play. it's like when i look at him so at ease, fingers moving over the frets all the others playing fade into background noise and all i hear, and feel is his playing. i love how he gets into his playing. i love him.

promises and pms

2008-10-14T00:59:00.004-05:00

sorry i have been so sucky lately. pms sucks. i feel fat. i hate my hair. i can't wait until it's long again.

keep on loving me. and i'll keep on loving you.

i've never felt anything like this. 4 months and it feels like 4 lifetimes i've been with you.

never leave. promise.

poof!

2008-10-12T23:40:00.004-05:00

i hope this feeling of you're too good to be true, and i can't believe you are really here, never end. i love laying with you and looking at you and caressing your face, hip, stomach, or back and thinking wow! you are real. and you are mine.

hold my heart, because if i lose you, i lose it too.

i love you more than you can imagine.

2008-10-08T00:21:00.001-05:00

i hate my sister

friends

2008-10-07T16:29:00.002-05:00

so i'm kind of upset i didn't get invited to carrie's party. i'm also upset that the only people i really talk to from my "group" are jessy and porcia. i love them. but i miss vicki and them too. it sucks.

i have steve though. and with him i'm meeting more people than i can keep track of. but i still feel off. they have all known each other for quite some time and i still feel out of place. i try to be social, but i almost always feel shunted aside. the only time i really feel okay is when i'm at practice and it's just michelle there with me.

but maybe i'm imagining things. not sure.

i love you steve. as long as i have you i'm fine.

love

2008-09-30T20:54:00.002-05:00

sometimes i feel like i am an observer. i can't be in public without just watching what is going on around me. so it's been a nice relatively quiet day at home. my mom is having issues with her man friend. i started on the next part of my tattoo on my ankle. and my love steven is at band practice. so i've spent my evening reading, and playing guitar hero. whooo!

so this is personal. and even though i know steve will read it. it's okay.

i'm afraid i'm going to wake up and my time with steve has been just a dream. i never thought someone so amazing could exist. i'll never get tired of writing the endless compliments about him. cause i'm finding it really hard to think of a single flaw he could have. he's sweet, and funny. he's cuddly despite all the bones that protrude! hehe. he can be goofy, and when i do something stupid i can laugh it off with him and not feel like a total ass. which is something i have a hard time doing with guys cause i get really nervous sometimes and really self conscious. like the lightsaber incident. (i still giggle when i think about it.) he can whisper those sweet words to me and they mean the world, he could repeat them over and over again until the day i die and they would still mean as much to me as the first time he said them.

sometimes i fear i fall in love too fast. cause well, all my "love" relationships happened so fast and lasted only so long then ended horribly. i think i would fall apart at the seams if this one ended at all. and god i will kick myself for typing this. but i will anyway cause i don't know how to address this to him verbally. but i sure hope he is IN love with me. cause there is a difference. and i don't want this one to be surface love. i want it to be real.

home sweet home

2008-09-25T17:49:00.003-05:00

well i've been home for a little over a month. it's been really nice being home. especially with steve.

i am so crazy about him. it's so great to finally be with a nice guy. i love being with him. every little thing about him makes me so happy. i love cuddling with him while watching a movie. and even though i hate being tickled i like our tickle fights, and licking fights (i know it sounds gross). and i love the sex. yes it's amazing. i didn't think someone so amazing could exist. but apparently he does. and he's all mine. for the rest of my life.

i love you steven.

i go where i'm needed and that is not here

2008-08-07T12:48:00.003-05:00

i remember the whole reason i decided to take on this nannying job. i remember why i decided leaving the state for a few months was a good idea. i felt stuck in a rut at home, like i was missing the piece to nudge me out. i thought that by going 2000 miles away for two months would be enough of a change to clear my head. boy was i wrong. everything i thought i was missing was right under my nose. everything that could get me out of my rut was taken for granted. i refused to budge, so i thought leaving it would fix it. i truely hate it here. i'm bored, and lonely. i miss my friends, my family, my job, and my boyfriend. i have yet to speak with my aunt on this matter, but am doing so tonight. i WILL be coming home on the 18th. i will walk to the airport if i have to. my uncle lost his job and i am no longer needed here until september. my mom needs my help back home. i need to go home for my own personal sake. i am becoming severely depressed and can't sleep at night. what i thought would help me seems to be hurting me now.

this morning i was making breakfast for the kids, and my uncle walks in. he asked me how i slept last night and i told him i had a hard time falling asleep. he procedes to act concerned and asks me why. i told him i'm really homesick. about an hour or so later he stops by my door and says, "i'm sorry your so homesick, but you just need to work through it." bull shit. little does he know i'm leaving in about 10 days. there is no working through being so homesick i'm depressed.

bottom line. i'm going home on the 18th.

see you all in 10 days!!!!!!!!!

almost

2008-08-03T01:01:00.001-05:00

5 more weeks

i got a haircut

i hate it

it's too short

oh well i guess

cuteness overload

2008-07-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/721316/

time moves slow when you have something to look forward to.

2008-07-29T00:56:00.001-05:00

6 mas semanas

whooo!!!!!

can't wait to come home!

its going by quicker than i thought, but still slow as shit.

went to san francisco yesterday.

that was lovely.

in case you were wondering...

2008-07-27T03:26:00.002-05:00

i'm 2o.

+1.

and sadly am drunk off 2 glasses of wine.

i got drunk with my auntie donna.

whooooooo.

i ♥ you steven

numb

2008-07-24T00:19:00.003-05:00

i'm getting reconstructive "surgery" for my mouth.

eep!

it's going to take about a month i think.

that kind of stinks.

i don't like the dentist.

but at least i get numbing stuff so i won't feel it.

he said: you'd better pray to jesus

2008-07-22T01:02:00.002-05:00

my aunt has lupus.

i'm scared.

no one survives more than about 20 years.

god help us

poison

2008-07-18T16:18:00.003-05:00

well, i'm about to go on week three out here. it's still boring as shit. and i have to get my wisdom teeth out. yay for my aunt's dental connections, boo for surgery. i'm scuuuurd. yay for strong painkillers, boo for pain. i don't know. i don't really like people rootin around in my mouth, the only things i want to go in there are food, my tongue piercing, and steve's cock. no sharp objects, knives, etc...

on the upside being bored out of my mind out here has caused me to start drawing again. i still suck, but oh well. and reading alot. i read ALOT. there isn't much else to do. i wish i had photoshop. i need to steal it again. umm, oh and i play more video games, the time consuming ones that suck your life away and you don't even realize it. so the good kind.

things i like about steve:
his eyes
his smile
the smell of his hair
the feel of his touch
his kisses
the way he cares about me and expresses it
the sound of his voice
that he will never leave me
his honesty
his compassion
his body (fake parts included ;))
his dick (mmm yea)
the fact that he is tall...and a bass player
and just about anything else you can think of.

this could be...

but i still won't say it yet.

i still fear that word.

and i'm not ready to let it fall past my lips.

i still feel that word is poison.

but i do not deny what i feel.

i hate moving

2008-07-11T23:19:00.002-05:00

it's getting easier to be here. but i still want to go home to my baby. we are going to be looking for apartments when i get back. so hopefully i will finally be able to move out. i know some people would think its not a good idea to move out with your boyfriend so early in a relationship, but i don't really care. and it won't be soon after i get back, just soon enough, my mom is looking to sell the house anyway, and i don't think that her, my sister, and myself could live in such a small space. because she wants to get an apartment. won't work out. so i'm moving out. end of story.

p.s. i'm falling hard, and fast. he's all i think about, he's all i dream about. i don't dare say it yet, but it could just be...

oh its what you do to me

2008-07-09T18:01:00.003-05:00

"Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all"

i know you don't like the song baby, but read the lyrics cause this part makes me think of you

♥

so bring on the rain

2008-07-08T00:43:00.002-05:00

"your voice was the soundtrack of my summer.
do you know your unlike any other?
you'll always be my thunder.
i said,
your eyes are the brightest of all the colors.
i don't ever want to love another.
you'll always be my thunder."

♥

sing me something soft, sad, and delicate, or loud and out of key. sing me anything

2008-07-07T01:58:00.006-05:00

is it september yet?

i miss...
the comfort of being in your arms.
the feeling of my hands in yours.
the taste of your kiss.
the smell of your hair.
the feeling of our bodies intertwined.
the sound of your heart beat.
the rhythm of your breathing.

most of all i just miss being around you. i miss your presence. i feel a feeling of comfort and relief when i'm around you. i feel safe. i feel warm. i feel cared for.

i want to see you again, and be in your arms, i want to sink into the deepest of sleeps listening to rhythm of your heart beat and of your breathing. i feel as if your arms were made for me to be in. i'll never let you go. i promise you that.

i give you my heart to hold, and care for. i know you won't break it, or abuse it. my intentions are pure and honest. i will never lie, i will never cheat, nor will i cheapen what we have.

i wish it wasn't so hard for me to speak these words aloud, but it sometimes is, so all i have is my writing. and i can assure you it is always the honest and raw form of myself. i may not be a songwriter, or a poet or a storyteller, but i always put my heart into this.

i am yours. for as long as you would have me.

the songs that saved my life

2008-07-04T02:04:00.003-05:00

when i watch postsecret videos i get chills. i think it is a truely beautiful project. i miss my baby. i just needed to write tonight. it's truely lonely out here. i miss being able to go when i want. i'm glad it's a long weekend. my aunt will be around and i won't feel so alone out here.

i can't wait to be in your arms again. and kiss you. and sleep beside you. and wake up next to you. i'm counting down the days till i can see you again babydoll. and i can't wait to hear my song. and show you your picture. please don't forget me while i'm away. and i won't forget you. i've only really been with you a week and only 3 days of it were spent together, but you make me so happy dear.

it's funny though. i told myself i was going to take a year off dating. cause i couldn't emotionally handle it. i begin to feel smothered and trapped. then i feel as if i lose myself, the very core of my being. exactly what makes a person fall for me in the first place ends up gone. down in some deep hole in my being, locked in a box. i was afraid to get into relationships for that. i didn't like losing me for 'you'. i wanted to be free. i wanted to do as i please. but...

sometimes the best things in life are the ones we don't plan for. cause i wasn't planning to date you. but it happened, and i could't be happier. don't leave me, and don't hurt me, my heart is still fragile and can still break again easily. it hasn't fully mended but i know you can help fix my frail heart.

i could fall in love with you.

and i would let it happen.

you are truely amazing.

hello cali

2008-07-02T00:36:00.003-05:00

i really like to watch people. especially at the airport.

it's really beautiful to see.

i arrived in san francisco at about 12:15pm pacific time. i'd like to mention that i hate to fly, let alone descend over the bay. forget that i like my feet firmly planted on the ground. so anyway i ate some lunch then wandered away to find a smoking area. reduced to a 10ft by 5ft box, i sat on a bench in departures to smoke. i decided with no where else to really go i would just hang out there for a while. well i watched people say their goodbyes with their hugs and their kisses that it felt like a dagger in my heart. i felt that my goodbyes were not sufficent enough. i didn't make enough effort to see people before i left. so with my stomach in knots after seeing one particular couple not wanting to part (and made me think of my goodbye with steve where i stayed in his arms for one moment longer, trying to make it last forever), i meandered my way down to arrivals (i love the luggage claim for some reason, though i had none of my own i like to watch the unclaimed luggage spin)

sitting in departures made me sad, sitting in arrivals made me lonely. i got the odd phone call or text here and there and that seemed to help pass the time. but i was still lonely. i'd sit on the bench (in my now 12ft by 5ft green box) and watch the people waiting for their loved ones and friends to arrive and take them to where ever it is they are going. i'd watch the people embrace like they haven't seen each other in years. maybe in some cases they haven't. i like seeing that. it makes me look forward to my aunt finally getting there.

i continue to sit in the same spot for hours, getting up once to use the bathroom, then resuming my spot on the bench. after no human contact for what seemed like eternity and gentleman came up to me and asked me for a cigarette. so i hand him one and give him my lighter and he tells me he has been traveling for the last 28 hours, so i ask where he was from and if this was his final destination. he tells me he is from kenya and he was on his way to berkley. i asked if he was visiting friends or family, you know the usual questions (it was friends). he asked if i was going to vote for obama, and such. then i asked him how he liked being in the states. he says very much so, it is very liberal here. i kind of chuckled in my head seeing as we had to sit in a green outlined box just to smoke. but then again, i should be lucky to have my green smoking box and my smokes in general. his ride then showed up and he left.

about an hour or so after the gentleman from kenya left i started chatting with a woman from anchorage, we chatted about traveling and waiting around at airports and her boyfriend and my boyfriend. i asked her about alaska, and she asked me about chicago. it was nice idle chit-chat. finally my aunt arrives at about 6:30pm (still pacific time) i've been up since 4:30am my time. shitty. let me tell you though, the drive back to her house from san francisco is beautiful. i wish it wasn't so dark out so i could have taken pictures. but oh well.

good night.

it's not really goodbye, it's more of a see you later

2008-07-01T00:34:00.000-05:00

i leave in the morning. see you all in september! i love you all and will miss you so so so much

risque

2008-06-28T01:26:00.000-05:00

i feel like a kid in a candy store

no poetic device

2008-06-25T01:12:00.000-05:00

NEW INK! YAY

lets fuck it up boys MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!

2008-06-23T20:41:00.001-05:00

i like loud things. here are some examples:

colors
music
patterns
tv
jewelry
shoes

Airport Security

2008-06-23T01:41:00.000-05:00

Rest in Peace George Carlin. You will be missed by all.

if i leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?

2008-06-20T00:50:00.003-05:00

i really need more sleep. i don't get enough. i leave a week from tuesday, supposedly. i really hope this doesn't fall through. i'd be so upset. umm...not too much has happened lately. i met felicity!! she is so awesome. i wish she lived her, i think she, fe and i would all be awesome friends. its so nice to meet more girls like me n fe. other than that i don't know. when something interesting happens i'll let you know.

p.s. ryan started talking to me again, that makes me smile! i love my schmoo!!!!

ahhh now i remember

2008-06-10T02:13:00.002-05:00

now i recall why i made my profile private on my new myspace....cause of fucking old creeps who just want to get in your pants. feck off

2008-06-10T01:13:00.001-05:00

i now know what it feels to be in the presence of gods. do you know what it feels like? ask me and i'll tell you

i forgot to mention

2008-06-09T14:42:00.001-05:00

i knew i could do it

it's a holiday for a hanging

2008-06-07T01:31:00.002-05:00

i don't know. i'm restless again. i was going to drink tonight, but ashley showed up at alex's and jessie was there and i'm not too sure about her anymore. not after what happened. but it was okay for a while. then ashley showed up. and i know i messed around with her. but she is really annoying. and i don't really care how book smart she is, she is just dumb, and i wonder if like melissa its just an act. but either way its really annoying... moreso if i were to find out it was all an act. so instead of drinking i ended up smoking. i'd rather of drank i guess.

so now i'm home. and i'm really restless. but i'm so tired. but i want to go somewhere. i want to get wasted. i don't work tomorrow, but here i am. laying in my bed in my pajamas. fuck.

3 more weeks i guess. i'm going to talk to my aunt tomorrow, then i find out next week more. i just want to know now. i want to go. cause the longer i have to think about it, the more my dad's words resonate in my mind. i don't really want them to. i don't want to think about it. he pretty much told me straight out my mom did a shitty job raising me. but isn't it his fault too? he's my other parent. they had joint custody of me. can't he blame himself for it too? my mom had to do it by herself with help from my grandma. he was never really around. he never really did much for my birthdays, christmas became mundane and i stopped getting invited around the age of 16. so where does he fit into this picture of my fucked up life? i'll tell you. he doesn't. if she fucked up, then so did he. he agreed at the age of 16 to be there for me and my mom. thanks dad. i appreciate it. i'm glad you cared so much to be there to raise me. don't blame mom for this. blame yourself. i'm sorry i have a life to live, and you don't want your daughters to be a part of yours. i hope you have fun with her. enjoy being with someone who could be your daughter. did you ever think of that? maybe if i wasn't her age it wouldn't be bad. but you tell me you want to move to honduras with her, and pop out some kids below the poverty line, and maybe never come back. good. i'm glad its so easy for you to forget the two kids you already have and committed yourself to. don't tell me how to live my life and what i should do. you don't know me, you don't understand me, you don't know what goes on day to day, you just assume. you think you know what's best for me, well you don't know shit. so fuck you. enjoy your life with your fucking girlfriend. don't ever tell me what to do with my life, and what's best for me. cause in the end, you don't really know, and you never will

exchanging body heat at 30,000 feet

2008-06-06T17:58:00.001-05:00

i want to join the mile high club....

keeping my fingers crossed

i write sins not tragedies

2008-06-06T02:02:00.002-05:00

i feel like writing, i'm in such a mood. i don't really know what to do, or what to say. there are a lot of things i don't understand. i don't want to sleep, i'm so restless. i'm so awake, i need to be out. i want to just leave, and go somewhere. anywhere, everywhere. i can't get my nose ring out, it really hurts. i'm rambling. my leg is asleep. i feel like a 16 year old blogging, i sound like my sister. talking to no one, there's only like 3 people who actually read this. and its more for my benefit than anyone else's i need to get things out. i think i want to draw. i think i want to read, maybe sleep.........

i think i'm confused

get busy living or get busy dying

2008-06-06T01:30:00.003-05:00

so today i explained to my dad why i want to go to cali for a couple months. i told him i thought it was a good opportunity, and i think it would be good for me to get out of the area for a while. you know make a change. maybe get my life moving and by moving i mean starting to really live it.

his response: you hate your cousins, you hate your aunt and uncle. you wouldn't be able to stand them for 2 weeks let alone 2 months. you don't like kids. they will have stricter rules than your mother, you can't stay out late, how is it a good opportunity, get a real job out here, thats where your opportunity is, get a real job and move out.

all i can think is how can he not support my decisions? why is he knocking my choices down and making feel like i'm making a huge mistake. how can he think this isn't a good opportunity?

i try to explain to him that i think i need a change in my life for a while, and maybe it will give me more direction as to what i want to do. i tell him that everyone in this area just stays, no one gets out. i have a way out, i have an open door, why would i close it instead of walking through.

my dad was once my best friend. he and i were like 2 peas in a pod. we were so much alike and saw things in the same light. i just don't get where he changed.

i'm going without his blessing. i want to see the world, i want to live life. i've got one to live, why not start now?

why not?

can't rain all the time

2008-06-05T02:40:00.000-05:00

i miss you.

asshole

the heart hurts when it wants what it can't have

2008-06-04T16:33:00.002-05:00

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

why do you have to make it so hard for me to forget. you're starting to remind me of him. and yet i still love you so much. you're so condescending, and make it sound like your so much better than you really are. cause you're really not that great. you're kind of a dick. but this time, this time i'll get over your ass, and i'll be better off. so don't bother coming back to me when it doesn't work out with her again. i won't be a rebound anymore. i'm so much better than that, and i deserve better than that. so have fun with out me. i'm glad it's so easy to throw away a seven year friendship for a relationship on the rocks. good to know where i stand in your eyes. cause i won't be secret. it either is or it isn't. and i guess it's not.

good riddance

suicide

2008-06-03T22:37:00.000-05:00

i'm thinking about applying to be a suicide girl....

i love the whole world

2008-06-02T01:09:00.001-05:00

i find out when i leave this weekend, i'll keep you updated

it's time for a change

2008-05-31T20:23:00.001-05:00

just for a little while.

i leave in a month, but i'll be back.

i will miss you!!

my refusal

2008-05-29T23:26:00.002-05:00

i won't be anyone's rebound anymore

some relief

2008-05-27T23:39:00.001-05:00

well some relief

but until it comes....

i won't stop worrying

i wish the heart could forget

2008-05-27T17:28:00.002-05:00

i wish i didn't love you

i wish i didn't care

i wish i didn't need you

i wish she wasn't there

i want you back so badly it hurts my heart, and makes me sick.

hello again my friends

2008-04-08T21:50:00.002-05:00

it's been almost 2 months since i was here last.

things are well.

very well.

and i need a new layout.

i'm not sure i care anymore

2008-02-20T22:57:00.001-06:00

i feel abandoned.

i wish i knew you thought i was such a fuck up.

i always felt that i turned out okay, but thanks for telling me otherwise

..it's been a while..

2008-01-13T22:48:00.000-06:00

...two years...

....when will the healing begin....

.....?.....

time to start over

2007-12-06T21:22:00.000-06:00

well, nick is out of the picture.

i have 2 new jobs

i'm back with will.

and im like 2 months away from a new car

word.

the end of an era

2007-10-30T11:11:00.000-05:00

well

i did it.

after two years i did it.
it's over, i know, i said forever, and i wanted to marry him.

i lied.

and let me tell you....

i couldn't be happier now that he's gone.

i apologise

2007-09-20T22:31:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry.

please forgive me.

i did die a little.

but you didn't forget about me while i was gone.

that means everything to me.

Tu eres el amor de mi vida para siempre

2006-05-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

When I say forever, I really do mean forever.

I'd stand by you till the end.

PROMISE

2006-05-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

I want to marry him.

and that's all there is to it.

Happy Mom's Day

2006-05-14T20:10:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I'm not around more.

I feel like I have to choose between you and him.

I love you both so much.

You are both my best friends.

And you are both needed in my life.

Please don't make me feel like I have to choose anymore. He treats me well, and makes me feel loved and beautiful, he's not going to take you're place. I promise. I have room for both of you in my life. You have always supported me in my decisions, and trusted me to make the right one, and the one I felt was right. Don't stop helping me along in my life. I just want you to nudge me along, not lead. I want to be able to make my own mistakes.

I love you, Mom.

I don't want to exist right now...

2006-03-27T22:48:00.000-06:00

unless I'm in your arms.

where are you Nicolas?

2006-03-12T22:02:00.000-06:00

Promise you won't forget me when I'm gone.

Not so dead I guess,

2006-02-23T21:14:00.000-06:00

I have a BF.

He is special.

My bestest friend Ev4R is ENGAGED!!!!! HUZZAH para Jeremy!! wo0t wo0t.

I wish I was engaged.

Mike Barry is in jail.
So is Joe. Joe is an @$$. werd up yo.

I have 2 jobs....

I'm sick.

and worn out...

but all that matters and keeps me going is the fact that I'm in LOVE.

The rise and fall of breath like the tide of the ocean, always ebbing and flowing.

2006-02-01T18:55:00.000-06:00

I've kinda died on the internet.

Promise you won't forget me when I'm gone?

2006-01-13T01:57:00.000-06:00

why are You testing me?

I think...

2006-01-12T13:04:00.000-06:00

I give up.

He's a fighter.

2006-01-07T22:00:00.000-06:00

It's just too bad he won't be a survivor.

Why

2005-12-22T13:45:00.000-06:00

Please God...

Tell me why.

Breaking Hearts and Tear Filled Eyes.

2005-12-11T00:07:00.000-06:00

Well, this is it. This could be the end of it. This week, maybe next, maybe the one after that. But it is soon. He's in ICU. He doesn't have much time left. I'm hurting. I keep looking up at my bulletin board and seeing the picture of us as my cousin's wedding, and I think that he will never get to see mine. It breaks my heart. My plan was always to have he and my dad give me away. Cause he's like another father to me. I don't want him to go, and I don't think it's fair. I love him. I'm hurting. bad. Papa...I love you

Absolute Peace of Mind

2005-12-05T23:14:00.000-06:00

It snowed on saturday.

I think everyone knows that. I'm not sure everyone liked it while it was snowing, mostly if they were driving.

But after the snow I got to drive. Mostly though I got to stand outside with my best friend, Zach. As we were outside I opened my car and got my snow brush out to scrape ice and snow off my windows. I paused briefly and told him to listen.

What we heard was nothing. Nothing but the still of the night. Nothing but the serenity of winter. The calm of the night. Winter can be a beautiful thing. Treacherous, but with a dangerous beauty.

I love every moment of standing outside in the winter night after snowfall.

I encourage it. Listen to the night. Hear the peace, and let it be a part of you.

Blaugh

2005-11-29T19:55:00.000-06:00

I'm sick, send me flowers bitches.

EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW

I hate being sick...

Rilo Kiley

2005-11-21T23:41:00.000-06:00

Any fool can play executioner for a day and say, with fingers pointed in both directions, "He went that way!" It's only a switch or syringe, exempt from eternal sins, but you still wear a cross and you think you're gonna get in, saying, "It's not a hit, it's a holiday..."

Melodrama from the desk of Melanie Ann Jarnutowski

2005-11-20T19:42:00.000-06:00

I'm a melodramatic son of a bitch, who doesn't know when to shut up, or even why to shut up. I'm under and over-sexed in the worst kind of way, and burning inside and out for that one to say those sweet sweet words I want to hear. I'm over-dressed, and under the weather. From the inside and outside you'd see only what you want to see, and nothing more. I'm over worked, but I have no job. I love too much, and laugh too little, and get attached to easily, and letting go is too hard. I smile when I should frown, and vice versa. I'm one over-emotional girl, and I cry way too much for my own good. I love to dress up, and I'll dress down, I'd walk out wearing my prom dress just to get a laugh or three. I'm not witty, or funny, nor classy, or trendy. I walk, and talk, and dress what can be thought of as "normal". I wear old clothes, and don't buy more. I keep old friends, and forget them when I get new ones. I like sex, but I'm not a whore. I go to school on days I wake up. I stay up too late, and get up too early. I drink too much coffee, and pop, and alcohol, and am on a caffiene fix that doesn't stop. My world keeps spinning, despite what happens. No rain, or snow, or "natural disaster" can slow me down. I read too many books, and watch too many movies. I am too often bathed in the glow that is my computer monitor. I smoke too much, and drink too little, I dream big dreams, but live too small. I'm too short, or too tall, but it doesn't really matter in the end.

'Cause in the end, it's all the same. I am you, and you are me. We never truely hate the ones we love, and we love the ones we hate. Friends we've made years ago, will always be in our hearts, and someday will appear again. Maybe ten, maybe twenty years down the line, but they will be there, and memories will always live on in your heart. For no one truely dies, until there is no one left to carry on their memory.

I love you Papa

2005-11-14T19:09:00.000-06:00

I swear if she hurts him, she will regret it for the rest of her life. I will make sure of that.

The Faint

2005-11-11T15:37:00.000-06:00

I think the Faint changed my life...

LOL.

I can't stop listening to them lately. eep.

I love Casual Sex.
what?

Seasons of Love

2005-11-06T20:34:00.000-06:00

Life is beginning to take a horrible toll on me.

Just existing at 18 is hard.

I wish I could be stronger, and I wish things worked out easier. I don't want things to be hard for me. I owe more money than I can make on one paycheck. I have a great boyfriend who I don't get to spend time with, friends I can't see because we have schedule clashes. A job that I hate more than anything and just doesn't understand what it is to be sick. School which is hard to just maintain because of work. A father who doesn't understand. A family that is broken.

and a very sick grandfather that I love more than anything, and has been like a father to me, and he isn't expected to make it to the summer, and we can't make it down there to see him.

I guess all I can do it just keep moving on. And appreciate all the good in my life. Like the times I do get to spend with Trent. Those times where my friends and I can see each other. When work is okay. When my family is not fighting. When my grandfather somehow pulls through again and is going to be alright.
Maybe in some ways I am beginning to believe in God, or some kind of higher power. He has given me all these trials in my life. Trials for me to go through, and still manage to come out on top, and always better than before. Maybe He is testing me in a way I'm not yet sure of. But if there is a God, I know He is looking out for me, and will never give me more than I can handle.

Seasons of Love from the musical Rent
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love! Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

Halloween 2

2005-10-31T23:13:00.000-06:00

Halloween SUCKED the big one. I saw David. As usual he smelled really good. I like still being able to be friends with him.

I really hate that Trent works third shift. I guess we can try...

Happy Halloween

2005-10-31T15:15:00.000-06:00

I'm stuck with nothing to do.

I don't think I'd be able to live without you

2005-10-26T22:49:00.000-05:00

Haunted Houses, Chainsaw Wielding Men, Clowns Wielding Knives, and other stories.

2005-10-25T10:51:00.000-05:00

So I went to my first ever haunted house on Friday night. It was terrifying. I don't really remember it all because I had numerous panic attacks. But I do know that like around every corner someone jumped out at you. There was this little "girl" who follows you through the whole thing, saying "come play with me" and such. Half the time you don't really notice her. But when you do it's freaky. Then there is a room that is FILLED with stage fog, and you can't see far in front of you, and a guy in a Jason mask keeps jumping out at you. Then there is like a transition from the tent to the barn. It's just like 50 feet of open ground. When you walk out this girl comes up to you and is like "help me. oh god please help me" and she is begging. Then you hear a chainsaw rev up, and a guy comes running out. I SCREAMED and ran into the barn. (Then Trent called, and I was freaking out, but told him I had to call him back.) Then you go into this PITCH BLACK elevator like thing, and there is this scary guy with a flashlight (doing the wooo thing with a flashlight, but not with a wooo, but like a RAWR.) and he gives you these 3-D glasses and you have to go through like "acid trip land" and its freaky, and people are following you and attacking you. It was bad.

Then on Saturday I went to Fright Fest. I was fine until the "Scary People" came out. They were like following people who were really freaked out (me). Then a clown wielding these knives that looked like mini falchion (sp?) swords was FOLLOWING me. He kind of corners my small group of terrified females, and he slams the knives on a garbage can, and I shrieked and ran away to Zach. And I kept getting followed by the scary people. Then we went to the Necropolis, City of the Dead, and there were even more scary people in there. That wouldn't leave me alone. So for some ungodly reason I went with into the Mausolem of Terror. And while waiting in line one of the scary people wouldn't leave me alone because I was freaking out. And she kept coming up to me and just freaking me out. Then it came time for us to go through the first small part that leads to where they take your tickets, and before we left, the scary woman was like "I'll be waiting for you." That was freaking me out. Then we go, and we have to go single file. So I had a death grip on Zach's hand the whole way, and Mary Kate had a death grip on my hand (ironic). And the first part was like a Mirror Maze. With only a dim strobe light to light the way. It would like blink 3 times, then not blink once. And when it didn't blink someone would sneak into a dark corner and when it would light again, you'd see them and they would scare you. After that you have to walk through a hall of portraits, where the only light is lighting the portraits, and a couple times they would slide up or down really fast and someone would be behind it to scare you. After that you walk through like a jail, and the people behind bars are in like electric chairs and they don't look real, then they start rattling their chains and screaming and it freaked me out so bad. After that you walk through like a butcher's freezer, and he has like a girl on a table that he's trying to cut up, and she is screaming, and he's yelling. Then you walk on to this place where these like manaquins jump out, and a lot of metal is banging around loudly, so I screamed through that whole part. After that is the swamp, and every few feet is like a tree, and behind/in every tree is someone there to scare you. Then you see the light, and it's the exit, but it's not over yet, no, not at all. There is a leather faced guy wielding a chainsaw, that comes after you. This guy like takes the chainsaw and slashes it upward decently close to you, and you know there is no chain on it, and it's really just for the noise, but nonetheless, it is really freaky when a chainsaw gets close to you, whether it can hurt you or not.

I ran out and sank to the ground on the side of the building having a lovely little panic attack, and hyperventilating. Then we are walking out of the Necropolis, and some guy comes up behind me, and I knew he was there, so I ignored him, then he was like "BWAHHH!!!" (something like it) and it scared me, and made my situation worse, and I started to cry a little.

So that's my experience of my first two haunted houses.

By the way. I'm afraid of the dark.

In the end the love you make is equal to the love you make

2005-10-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

So as I grow through life I realize the friends I make and the lessons I take from them have and will continue to make me who I am. I realize in high school you are supposed to find out who your "real" friends are. I don't really think that to be true, yeah you may break away from old friends, and find new ones, but the old friends are still there.

No, It is in college that you find out who your true friends are. When they leave home to go off to a University, and you stay home for community college, or you leave, and they stay, no matter. It is the distance and the ability, or lack of, to stay friends.

I found great friends in high school. Lucky enough for me, I stayed home and I go to ECC, and a lot of the true friends I have found, either go there with me, or are still in high school. Though like many, I have friends that left. While some went off to NIU, which is an hour drive from me, others went on to SIU, or Marquette, or MSOE, and UW Madison. Now, while they are gone and I am stuck here at home in the proverbial hell that is ECC, I still keep in contact with them. And when I am lucky enough to have enough gas in my car, I go see the ones at NIU, and UW, and Marquette, and MSOE, unfortunately SIU is too far for me to make the drive alone, or want to drive alone. In the end though, I still see them, and I talk to them often.

I love my friends dearly, and the last thing I would want is to have them ripped away from me due to a petty problem such as distance. These friends I have come to know well, have come to know me just as well. And they understand me, and love me for who I am. I am thankful every day for knowing them, and I pray that I will be lucky enough to remain friends with them the rest of our lives.

So in closing, I love you 'Rie, Gerg, MILES!, Shauny, Matt, David (Buttercup), CJ, and even Jesse. I miss seeing you all everyday, and I pray that we will remain friends throughout our lives.

WHY?

2005-10-17T20:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I found out my grandpa was in the hospital like an hour ago, then just now I found out why.

Apparently he was bleeding internally, and doctors had to go in through his throat and cauterize the spots where he was bleeding from. Then I guess he went to the bathroom and his stool was black, which means you are bleeding internally, so I think he is still bleeding. I don't know. I really hope he is alright. The man has been like my father, and I don't want to lose him. Not before I can see him one last time. I love him.

2005-10-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

And so the world keeps on spinnin'...

2005-10-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

Can I ever win?

I wish I knew

2005-10-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

I don't know. I just really don't know, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't even know if I know what I want.

I am hopeless. That's all there is to it. I am hopeless.

Don't Wish, Don't Start, Wishing Only Wounds the Heart

2005-10-05T14:17:00.000-05:00

"Without trust, no lasting relationship can ever be formed."

That is what I believe at least. I like Dan, a lot, but because of his past experiences he doesn't trust anyone right away. From what I can tell he likes me too, but he doesn't trust me. Maybe it's just me. But I trust someone until they prove otherwise. I really do like Dan, but I'm wondering if I should even bother. The way he makes it seem is as though trying would be pointless. Well, trying for something more than a friendship at least. He leaves in January for boot camp or whatever. 3 months isn't a lot of time. I really don't think it is worth it to try. I've been heartbroken way to many times this year, and I'm not sure I will be able to do it again. I don't want it to happen again. I want to move on, and find something lasting for once. And the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to realize, maybe Dan isn't the one it's meant to be with. Maybe it's really Trent, or maybe it truely is Will I belong with, or maybe someone that is nothing like any of the three. But I fear, now isn't the time to find out. I do hope it is soon though. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to be wanted by someone, and I want to find someone I want truely and deeply...

"Without trust there is no love."

That explains Will and I. I don't trust him.

Then there is Trent. Wow. I'm not sure I have liked anyone like that in a while. I always have a good time with him, even if he can be mean sometimes, but it's all in good fun at least. I really, want something more to happen there.

She will knife you in your sleep

2005-10-03T21:45:00.000-05:00

I have one crazy ass sister...

To be continued...

Finally

2005-10-01T23:49:00.000-05:00

I finally finished it. Well, this might be just a temporary image. Miles should be creating a new image for me, and I'm sure it will be a million times better than the one I made. But I mean it's okay for right now. So yea, let me know what you think. :)

Edit: I fixed most of the archived posts. March, September, and December of 2004 are still showing the Vanity layout for now. So until I fix it, bear with me.

The Watcher

2005-09-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

I have guy problems, in the worst kind of way.

I saw something in his eyes that I didn't like...

Weekend...

2005-09-25T20:20:00.000-05:00

Alright. So the blog isn't finished. And there are still some problems I have to talk to David about. And my final image isn't ready (let alone even taken). So, as soon as I get that shit, everything will be awesome. ANYWHO, on to my weekend.

Friday I blacked out, so I'll tell you what I remember.
-Drank more than I should have, on less than I ate.
-Made like one drunk phone call, and talked to Dan for like an hour.
-I ended up falling down more than ever, but didn't walk into anything once.
-Played sex dice.
-Made out with Tim in the dining room.
-Made out with Tim in the drive way.
-Apparently I fell down in the driveway.
-Tony kept telling me not to sleep in the driveway.
-I didn't sleep in the driveway.
-I guess I threw up at some point before I passed out.
Lesson:
-Don't chase whiskey with vodka

Saturday night we did it again.
-I don't really remember who was there.
-I think I flashed Harrison, Kyle, and Rob.
-I drank a lot.
-I made out with Kyle.
-Tony was talking to me when I was half asleep.
-Mike tried kicking me out of Vicki's bed
-I passed out, and woke up cause Mike was like messing with my hair.
-Lots of beer bottles broke.
-I wasn't wearing shoes, at all.
-I think Vicki is pissed at me. :(
^Edit, Vicki isn't pissed at me.

Work in Progress

2005-09-21T01:32:00.000-05:00

My blog is currently under construction until I get my final images done. Hopefully I will be finished this weekend.

Forgive the mess.

Just Remember

2005-09-17T15:20:00.000-05:00

I had it first.

when she falls down..

2005-09-14T16:37:00.000-05:00

how can you be irresponsible if you didn't know?

how?

edit: I'm sorry, I only know how to respond with yelling. It's all I know, and it's all what I learned from you.

It hurts so good

2005-09-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

So I could write a whole page on my tattoo experience. I probably won't, or maybe I will.

But........

I was fine going in there, and then when I signed the release I started to feel really nervous. Then he put on the outline, and I felt sick. After that he started in the smaller areas to get me used to the feeling. that wasn't so bad. The worst part was the coloring in for me. But I am so happy that I have it now. YAY!

When your heart breaks and shatters like glass

2005-09-08T14:41:00.000-05:00

I think I'm not too fond of college at the moment...

It's breaking my heart.

Edit: I am happy you have a life, and you are finally able to live without too much restriction. I'm just sorry there isn't much room in it for me...

Hell Hath no Fury

2005-09-05T18:06:00.000-05:00

Permanent paintings on the body are FUN!!!!

2005-09-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

Suddenly...

2005-08-27T10:46:00.000-05:00

I feel so alone.

Maybe it's not time..

2005-08-22T23:57:00.000-05:00

I guess that was short lived.

The Calendar Hung Itself

2005-08-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's time

2005-08-20T23:54:00.000-05:00

Time to let him go.

I'm not the one for him, and he is apparently not the one for me.

But maybe this new guy is. Just maybe.

All I can say is, I think it's my time to get what I want....

Something isn't right

2005-08-18T15:45:00.000-05:00

I never thought them leaving would hurt this much.

I feel like something isn't finished...

I'm not that girl

2005-08-17T18:23:00.000-05:00

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl